alan.bradford

In what is being described as the biggest culinary shocker since the alleged extra-marital affair between Chef Boyardee and Aunt Jemima, Duff Goldman -- star of Food Network's Ace of Cakes -- was officially demoted to 'Court Jester of Cakes' after loosing Friday night to up-and-coming cake decorator, Jenny Bradford.

The International Baking and Decorating committee (iBAD) holds the competition every 13 years. Although this schedule has been the subject of scrutiny over the years, iBAD board members are quick to point out that the number reflects the longstanding core principle of baking: A baker's dozen shall never include 12 items, rather 13, lest a small orphan child be left out of cookie consumption whilst gathered in a quorum of 12 orphans to discuss their socioeconomic plight.

This year, competition sponsors included the International Space Station, Lyons Club International, Toastmasters International, International House of Pancakes, and various other international organizations. Participants gathered in the mold-free cafeteria of Corona del Sol High School in Tempe, Arizona. Students, faculty, and this blog were given exclusive access to the proceedings. Following iBAD tradition, video, flash and non-flash photography, cell phones, tweets, Facebook status updates, diggs, stumbles, general chit-chat, murmuring, peanut gallery input, and gum chewing was strictly prohibited. In an effort to secure the campus, Heavy Strength Reynolds Aluminum Foil was used to cover cafeteria windows. Additional security was provided by dozens of highly trained laser-shooting feral cats which were placed at strategic locations throughout the school.

Despite being visibly intimidated throughout the event, Bradford proved a worthy competitor to Goldman. Bradford's Wilton Method instructor, Bonnie, was not surprised:

From the day she walked into the all-purpose classroom at Michael's Crafts with her $60 non-refundable deposit, I knew she was something special. Normally students will take Course 1: Discovering Cake Decorating before they jump into Course 2: Flowers and Borders. When I found out she had not completed Course 1, I was hesitant. But then I remembered that instinctive tingly feeling that rushed through my lower extremities when I saw her walking into the all-purpose classroom at Michael's Crafts with her $60 non-refundable deposit. Either that tingly feeling was the result of frosting-induced type 2 diabetes, or that I was in the presence of a superstar. After tonight's competition, I think I have my answer. As soon as my endocrinologist gets back with me, I'll let you know about the diabetes.

Using her recently-honed skills from the grueling Wilton Method Class: Course 2, Bradford stunned the crowd with the simplicity of her design. From the basket weave border to the color explosion of flowers, her cake had it all. Oreo cookie connoisseur and veteran english teacher, Michael Wherli, was thoroughly impressed with Bradford's skills.

I've eaten a lot of cake in my day, but I've never seen a cake like that one. The way she leveled the layers and smoothed out the buttercream frosting was a sight to behold. It was like watching Cats or Disney's Toy Story on Ice. It was magic. Pure magic.

At the end of the day, the decision was clear. Some say that Goldman was simply having a "down day." Others believe he finally "got what was coming to him." Still others believe that he "should be required to wear a hair net over his silly little attempt at facial hair." Opinions aside, one thing is clear: Goldman simply did not bring his A-game. His frosting was lumpy, his cake was not moist, his hands were shaky, and his pants had a conspicuous brown stain in the back and front. When asked to analyze the situation, Goldman's response was simple:

I should have worn my brown pants.

Bradford intends to use this competition to launch herself into the mainstream. Rumors are already flying about the creation of her own clothing line, iPhone application, interactive website with social network features, as well as a perfume and daytime talk show. When asked about what the future holds, Bradford was coy:

I don't know for sure what the future holds. That depends on if the future is using a glass bowl or if it is simply holding something in its hands. If it is holding a glass bowl, then it is probably holding a mixture of flour, water, sugar, and salt. If it is simply holding something in its hands, then it could be any number of things. It could be a cell phone, or a stapler, or possibly even a stack of documents that need to be filed. I just don't know.

When asked to speculate on her role in the cake decorating world, Bradford was extremely hard to understand:

Mfffrd ish nounbly or phe gugenhoophl.

When asked to speculate on future interviews with Bradford, this blogger knows exactly what he's going to do:

I'm pretty sure I'll wait until she's done sucking on her frosting bag before I ask her any more questions.

Watch out world. For the next 13 years there's a new Ace in town. And her name is Jenny Bradford. And don't call her Ace. Because she prefers Jenny.