alan.bradford

Butterfingers, Hot Dog Buns, and Lucha Libre

You may be asking yourselves (or yourself - if you are reading this in solitude) what these three things have in common. I am here to tell you that they have everything in common.

Please take a minute to enjoy a video that I submitted with my brothers to the Nobody's Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger Video Contest.

Now retweet, email, and share our video with all your friends and family. (Or just watch it again by yourself. It's okay, we won't judge.)

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Harvey Levin Represents Man Divorcing Wife For Water Bottle

Queen Creek, Arizona - After suffering through several scorching summers, Alan Bradford, 28, made a public announcement today that has shocked the community. He is leaving his wife of seven years for a water bottle. Not just any water bottle. A 24-ounce BPA free water bottle with autoseal lid and caribiner clip. (Get yours at Amazon)

Manufactured by Contigo, this water bottle can also slice potatoes, speak Mandarin Chinese with a British accent, and upload videos directly to YouTube.

       

Harvey Levin is heading up the legal team for this high-profile case. At the time of this writing, it is believed that Bradford is attempting the first ever marriage to a water bottle.

It is unsure how this story will end. In addition to family turmoil, Bradford's actions have caused a commotion with local religious leaders. Bradford belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, often referred to in the media as the Mormon or LDS Church. As recent media attention has made clear, the LDS Church promotes marriage solely between a man and woman. This conservative stance has caused considerable media buzz in recent weeks, stemming from an incident in July when a gay couple was detained on Church property for kissing. (Full story here).

Although it is understood that same-sex marriage is not endorsed, it is unclear whether the LDS Church will tolerate a marriage between man and water bottle. Church officials were unavailable for comment.

When asked if he truly intends to pursue his plans, Bradford was firm.

"I'm positive that if anyone out there simply tries this water bottle, they will see my side. It's not really as weird as it sounds. I just want to be with someone who doesn't leak all over my car, you know? Someone who I can clip my keys onto at the gym. Someone who doesn't get all worked up when I push their buttons. I know I'm making the right choice."

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FDA Issues Warning About Swallowing Chewing Gum

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You're Invited To A Sweaty Sweat Party! BBYPS!

Hey ladies and gents - smear on the 50 spf, and squeeze into your bikinis and banana hammocks. Looks like it's gonna be a hot one thus week.

   

In honor of the ridiculous Phoenix heat, I think we should have a sweaty sweat party. Bring Your Own Pit Stains. (BBYPS)
 

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iPhoto '09 Facial Recognition Hates My Brother

The latest release of iPhoto from Apple includes facial recognition capabilities. Simply tell the program who is in your pictures with tags (similar to tagging people in your Facebook pictures), and eventually it will automatically recognize you and your friends.

 After tagging my brother in a photo, I laughed out loud at iPhoto's guesswork. Take a look:

"He's not a troll, he's my brother!"

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Weezer Sleeps With Mario & Luigi, Zelda Jealous

via ptesquad.com

This brings back memories of getting all sweaty on the original NES Power Pad. Duck Hunt, Power Glove, Mega Man.

Any Weezer fan will appreciate this (free) 8-bit compilation of some of their greatest hits. Go download it here.

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Guest Post: A New Baby Sister and a Video for Steve Jobs

Hello everyone. My name is Brody Russell. Uncle Alan is letting me borrow his blog for a little bit today. I hope that's okay.

I like to say my ABCs. I like to read books. But my absolute favorite is to play games on my Uncle Alan's iPod Touch. My favorite letter on the keyboard is "q." Here is a sample of what I can do with it: qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQqqqqq. I am sitting with my Uncle Alan right now because Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital. We're just hanging out.

Grandpa picked me up from my house last night so they could go see the doctor. I spent the night at Grandma Russell's house, and when I woke up in the morning, I was a Big Brother! Mommy was real brave and had my baby sister Kiley. She came into the world a little bit early, so she might have to stay at the hospital for a few days. This will give me plenty of time to clean up my room before she comes home. (Sometimes I make a mess of all my toys. I can't help it! I'm just a kid!)

Here are some things that I will do to be the best big brother in the world:

1. Read books with my sister
2. Share my toys
3. Show her how to put on her flip-flops
4. Make my sister laugh
5. Show her how to dance

I can't wait until you come home! I llove yuou Kileey!

PS - If you're reading this Steve Jobs, I hope you feel better so you can invent some new cool toys. My uncle helped me use some of your stuff to make a video that will cheer you up. Hope you like it!

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Don't Believe Everything You Read. Except My Quote The New York Times.

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Here's My Updated Contact Information

Today marks the first (and possibly last) day that I've ever worn contact lenses. I'm not sure yet how I feel about the whole situation. After nearly 5 hours of wear, I have come to two possible conclusions:

1. They have given me a serious eye infection.
2. The optic nerve in my right eye is dissolving. (Could also be from watching too much Conan and Jimmy Fallon.)

I'm gonna give it one more day, and if things don't improve then it's back to regular old glasses for me.

               

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God Blesses Husband Through Fortune Cookie, Wife Steaming Mad

I always had a hunch that the heavens smiled upon me. Now I have proof. In writing. Much to the dismay of my wife, she did not share in the blessings. Allow me to explain.

We went out for Chinese food last week to Moon China-one of three restaurants by our home that has yet to go out of business.

After a delicious spread of chicken and rice and vegetables, the obligatory fortune cookies were given with our bill. My wife opened her cookie first. Instead of a fortune, she was presented with a presumptuous statement of fact:

She was understandably peeved that her fortune was not, in fact, a fortune. The sour attitude did not stop there.

Her rice was really steamed when I opened mine:

Not only was my fortune vastly superior, the keen observer will also notice that I was blessed with two - count 'em - two smiley faces.

And maybe it's just me, but even the photograph of my fortune seems to have a heavenly glow shining down from above.

I guess we won't be going back to Moon China any time soon. Hopefully they don't go out of business.

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