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alan.bradford

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Funny T-Shirts Anyone?


If anyone is looking into starting up their own business, I have a suggestion: Don't sell funny T-shirts on the Internet.

I just did a Google search for "funny t-shirts" and it displayed over three million results. I'm guessing the market for innovative, original t-shirts is already saturated. Not only is it saturated, it seems that everyone is selling the same t-shirts. In about 10 minutes of browsing, I have found already four companies that poke some sort of fun at Pedro and his lack of political experience. Several have mentioned something to the effect of my mom being in a top 8. And of course there are the obligatory references to beer, drugs, and other irresponsible paraphernalia.

So, if your life-long dream is to open an Internet-based funny t-shirt factory-of-fun, then you better have some patience. Because it's probably not going to make you a millionaire. Sorry Charlie.

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Posted January 7, 2007
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Back with a Vengance

It's been nearly six months since I devoted any time to this site. Much like George Foreman, I am entering the ring again. Except he sells grills and mufflers now, and I will be attempting to get you to visit my blog. Two completely different motivations. I could care less if you get all the fat off your hamburger. George, on the other hand, could care less about the drivel I will be writing about. So, George, it appears we are even: I don't care about your meat, and you don't care about my writing. Now let's get back to work.

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Posted January 6, 2007
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What!?! You're Breaking Up!!


There is nothing more annoying than loud cell phone talkers.

I don't need to know about your aunt's hysterectomy while I am grocery shopping. I don't need to know about your horrible date last night with the 16-year-old kid who you've been chatting online with for the past three months who you thought was actually 27. And a girl.

Honestly folks. Let's keep the private life private. Hang up your phone until you are in your car picking your nose.


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Posted August 1, 2006
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Holy Crap


Time flies when you're working two jobs and going to school. I don't think that's the phrase, but it will have to do for this blog and the five people who read it. (you know who you are)

Since I started up school again, I feel like the last couple of months have been nothing but eating, sleeping, scratching, going to work, scratching, and going to school. By the time I get home, it's dark outside, my breath stinks, and I barely have enough energy to climb the stairs up to my bedroom. It's a fun cycle. It's even more fun when I get up and start it all over again.

I think it's time for a nap.

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Posted February 16, 2006
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Happy Holi-daze


Gifts are funny things. Sometimes holiday shopping is a peachy experience. Other times, it is like choking on a peach pit.

How something that is supposed to bring joy and happiness can cause so much stress and gastrointestinal upset is beyond me. The holidays are supposed to be filled with warmth, hugs, festive singing and ugly sweaters.)

Unfortunately they are also filled with crowded malls, long lines, snotty-nosed kids screaming at the movie theatre, snotty-nosed parents yelling at their screaming kids at the movie theatre, and clean-nosed people yelling and throwing candy at the snotty-nosed parents and snotty-nosed kids. Itsnot fun.

So join me in a secret holiday pact that you will not get sucked into the madness this final week before Christmas. Just take the money you would have spent on gifts and forward it to me. If you send me an email, I will get you my home address.

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Posted December 21, 2005
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Garden Update

About a month ago I informed all of you who read this blog that I planted a garden. And I promised to let you know how it goes. Well...let's just say my thumbs are still the pastey hue of white they always were. In fact, none of my appendages have turned green since planting the tomatoes, strawberries, peppers, broccoli, cabbage patch kid, or dollar bill. I won't even talk about the orange tree that I tried to grow on the other side of the yard. I gave it what I thought it needed. A fertile bed of soil (not to be confused with my soiled bed), plenty of water, and sunshine. I even started a gardening club with the fellas in the neighborhood. We would get together once a week and talk about seeds and nitrogen and photosynthesis. But then my plants started to die. And then the fellas stopped calling. They said something about how I was "bringing a bad vibe to the group." So, I guess I'm done with the garden.

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Posted November 30, 2005
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It Never Fails


My wife is in school right now. Along with that comes an onslaught of papers, reports, research, presentations, and oh yeah - exams up the yin-yang. (Although I've never actually seen a yin-yang, I can only imagine that it's a very sensitive place by the way people always cringe when referring to it.)

Me being a technology enthusiast found this an excellent opportunity to bring her into the new craze of THE LAPTOP. So, like any responsible geek and husband, I trucked down to the computer store and purchased her a fine piece of wireless equipment. It's a 12" PowerBook by Apple. It's sleek, powerful and extremely easy to use. Unless you have a paper due or a presentation to build. That's when it turns into a pile of dump. I don't think it's because it's an Apple. I just think there is someone out there on the 801.11g network who is responsible for making things not work at just the right time.

I think I'm going to blame it on Richard Simmons. Not because I don't like him, but mostly just because his shorts are creepy and unpredictable.

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Posted November 20, 2005
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Down with Home Improvement

I recently bought a house. (It's actually been almost a year since we moved in, but it seems like less than that.) How come nobody told me how much freakin' work this would be? It seems like it never ends. My home improvement projects are like train wrecks. They should be admired at a distance, and usually somebody gets hurt. It all started when I thought I would be cool and manly and install my own sprinkler system in the front yard. My coolness ended when I found the main water line to my house with the trencher I rented from (cursed be the name) Home Depot®. Who knew that pipe was going to be right where i decided to put my sprinklers? I'm glad the neighbor kids weren't outside because they would have had a few more words introduced to their vocabulary. Most of them starting with # and ending with @!$. My recent endeavor has been to plant a garden in my backyard. It's been two days now and nothing has died. yet. I'll keep you posted.

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Posted October 26, 2005
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While my Guitar Gently Weeps...


When I was in seventh grade, I begged my parents to sign me up for guitar lessons. They finally caved in, and bought me a mini acoustic. I signed up for a class at some community center. The teacher was a hippie who didn't want to let go of his long, flowing hair. The class was mostly middle aged men. I don't really remember. The only thing I really remember from that class was how to tune my guitar.

Eventually the enthusiasm faded. Until one of my best friends convinced me to purchase a bass guitar. I played with that for a while and now it's collecting dust in my closet. It's not that I don't want to play the guitar. I really do. It just seems that every time I try to pick up the strings, I get distracted and frustrated. I guess that's why there were so many middle aged men in my beginner guitar class. I wonder if that will be me some day...

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Posted September 23, 2005
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Another Day at the Office

No child ever says "I want to sit in a cubicle when I grow up." No child ever says "I want to file papers and answer voicemails and make copies for bosses and sit in meetings and make presentations to the presidents of companies." Why? Because when we all wanted to be an astronaut. a policeman. a professional baseball player. a super hero. I know I did. But somewhere along the way, something happened. Now I'm attached to my little desk and computer and phone with the perpetual blinking red light letting me know that I have a message. Unfortunately I know it's not a message from the President of the United States wanting me to put on my super-suit and embark on a covert operation in the middle east fighting crime and saving women and children. Oh well. At least I got a good parking spot.

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Posted September 7, 2005
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