alan.bradford

Help Yourself.

I have a gripe. It may be petty, and it may not be something that you've had to deal with. At any rate, it's been the source of frustration. It's the prevalence in stores across America of the self-serve check-out lanes. The first place I found these pop up was Home Depot, aka Satan. (read more here) I think the ultimate goal of these contraptions was to increase customer satisfaction. I believe that they are failing miserably for a few reasons.

1. Every time I try to use one, I inevitably run into a problem that requires me to wait for the retard running the lanes to come over and help me. It's not that big of a deal usually, but when there are four other customers waiting on the same retard it can get annoying.
2. Oftentimes it takes longer to wait in line for the self-serve lanes than it does to brave the normal lanes. (Walmart has recently installed small, flat-screen TVs in the check-out lanes of their new stores. This way, you are put into a TV coma as you wait for 30 minutes to purchase your toilet paper and DVDs from the $5 bin.)
3. What the heck happened to serving your customer?!? I know I don't go to the grocery store to have an in-depth conversation with the cashier about life. But c'mon guys, don't take the human interaction out of everything! The banks are doing just fine with that; is it too much to ask to have someone else man-handle my melons before I purchase them?

So before I get out of control, I'll end with a poem that sums up my general feelings. Roses are red Violets are blue. You are our customer. We don't need you. So you're gonna have to check out on your own. Sucka.

There's a First for Everything

So the other day I was following my wife out of the parking lot of the gym that we belong to. We had both met there after school to work up a sweat. (Which reminds me of a great scene in a very funny movie. When asked if he was reading the dictionary, physical fitness animal White Goodman responds with "Yeah, I like to break a mental sweat too.") So when I pulled out of the parking lot, apparently I made a "wide turn." There was a cop across the street who saw my "wide turn" and decided to pull me over. At that point in the day, I was so dead tired that my body didn't even go into panic mode. You know the feeling - you start having a little conversation in your head. "Should I make a run for it? Would it be better to try to out-drive the cop, or out-run the cop? Hmmm...the cop was kinda fat, I bet I could out-run him." Alas, I just sat in my car in my post-gym stupor and listened to Mr. Officer tell me that the reason he pulled me over was because of the previously mentioned "wide-turn." He went on to explain that people who are intoxicated typically make such turns and he just wanted to check to see if I was drunk. I'd never been pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. It's a darn good thing he didn't make me walk a straight line. Because after working a full day, then going to school for a couple of hours, and then feeling the burn at the gym for an hour, I can honestly say I would not have been able to walk like a sober human being. At any rate - I passed the audition and was not given a ticket. I need to get a bumper sticker that says "Caution - this vehicle makes wide turns." And if I stop going to the gym, I will need an additional sticker for my butt that says "wide load."

No Yelling on the Bus!

A few days ago I talked about this business class that I'm taking at ASU. The text we are required to read has been really interesting so far. I don't know that I agree with everything the author writes about, but for the most part he seems to be right on. The chapter I read today talks about the importance of "getting the right people on the bus." He found in his research that companies that seem to move from "good" status to "great" status all seemed to share the same philosophy when it came to hiring and firing people. It seemed that the strategy of most "great" companies was to spend an enormous amount of time finding the right people first, and worrying about what to do second. The philosophy goes on to say that once you have the right people on the bus, sitting in the right seats, that the ride will be a successful one.

I tend to agree with this line of thinking. It made me think back to when I started dating my wife. Often when we went out, we never had any solid plans of what to do. It didn't really matter WHAT we did, the important thing was that we were both there. We always seemed to have a great time whether we were driving across town, watching a ball game, or just staying up till all hours of the night talking. With the right people on the bus, it doesn't matter which direction you drive - the ride will be successful.

So, what's the take-away? Do you own a business? Do you manage a department? Are you raising a family? Take an inventory of your surroundings. Do you have the right people on the bus? It may be time to have a sit-down chat with little Timmy. It could go something like this:

YOU: Timmy, your brothers and sisters have been complaining that you're not carrying your load around the house. You know we're going through some tough financial times right now with Mom out of a job. We're gonna have to let you go. Go to your room and pack your toys and we'll have someone from HR escort you out of the house.

TIMMY: You're a jerk, Dad. I'm never talking to you again.

Is it Enough to Just be Funny?

I'm watching the beloved Super Bowl right now (for the commercials, of course), and I have to wonder if it's enough just to be funny. I'll admit, I've laughed my head off more than once. Especially while watching the office savages in the jungle fight for promotions. Not to mention good old K-Fed. When it comes to effective advertising, I don't think it's enough to make people laugh. The danger of creating an advertisement who's sole goal is to be funny is that people will never remember the product you are trying to sell.

Not only that, ultimately advertising should drive traffic and help you sell your product. Take Fulton Homes for example. They spend millions each year in advertising their company. I'm not sure if it was aired nationally, but they also had an ad during the Super Bowl. It was cleverly produced, but I highly doubt it will help them sell their 500+ spec homes that are sitting empty in subdivisions across Arizona.

So, what do you think? Is it enough to just go for the belly laugh?

Three Things I Want For Groundhog's Day

Okay, so I think it's an underrated holiday. Plus, I loved the movie. In an effort to draw more attention to it, I am publishing this gift wish-list. If any of you have any connections, please let me know. I will email you my mailing address so you can send me my gift.

1. Release of Adobe Creative Suite that is fully compatible with the new Intel-based Mac. C'mon! Please! see here
   
2. ASU to slash prices on campus parking permits. (Does anyone else think $400 for a 1-year parking pass is ridiculous? I think I'm going to start taking the bus.)
3. I wish The State would come back. Or at least something that's just as funny.

What do you want for Groundhog's Day?

UPDATE: Apparently there are a few folks over at Adobe that have been reading my blog. The only reason I have come to this conclusion can be found by looking here. It seems we are on the verge of something great for Photoshop/Mac geeks. I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it.

I'm Right...Just Ask Me

I'm taking a business class right now at ASU. It's very interesting so far, and I hope to learn a lot. Heck, I may even take over the world someday and become its CEO. (My first item of business will be to team up with Steve C. to get rid of pesky people on airplanes that fart and recline their seat back into your lap the entire time.)

But that's not what I wanted to write about today. I wanted to wonder for a minute why it seems that in every college course I have taken, there always seems to be a fellow student who thinks he/she can teach the class better. You know who I am talking about. They sit pompously in the lecture hall, their heads growing ever larger with all their incredible experience and knowledge. They are not ashamed to speak out of turn, graciously imposing their expertise upon the rest of the class. They even go as far as to keep the professor after class to discuss their concerns with the syllabus and the content of the course; they suggest new material and new ways of teaching.

I witnessed this last night in my business class. A fellow student expressed his disregard for the way the class was being taught, suggesting new course content and topics for discussion and lectures. I wanted to hit him in the face with my backpack. I restrained myself and instead chose to laugh quietly to myself on the way out of the room. Maybe my first item of business as the world's CEO would be to team up with Chuck Norris to get rid of pesky people who think they're cool when they're not.

If you were the CEO of the world, what would be first on your To-Do list?

My First Overseas Visitor

Utilizing the powerful powers of Google Analytics, I have found out that this little blog has captured the interest of its first overseas visitor. Woo hoo! Let's hope it spreads across the world like Microsoft or Apple. Except without the bad hair and over-hyped hyping.

Behold the Glory. Can't Wait till March.

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Polly Wants Some Breathing Room

I like parrots just as much as the next guy. I'm not sure I like them as much as this man. Can you imagine how much newspaper he had to put down on the seats and floor of his little car in order to make this a successful operation? It just seems like a whole lot of wasted time to me.

What a pitiful waste of web space

The country of Spain is making moves to shut down a popular pro-anorexia website. Users of this particular site are in competition with each other to see who can eat the fewest calories in a two-week time period. Contestants get points for certain activities. The goal is to eventually get below 200-something calories in one day. This kind of eating behavior can cause so much damage to one's body in the long term. It must be so hard to be a girl these days, trying to keep up with all the fashion trends of the day.

Since when is it cool to have your bones visible through your skin? I must have missed that issue of Vogue.

.: Read the full article here :. | .: Curious what 200 calories looks like? :.