alan.bradford

Today marks the first (and possibly last) day that I've ever worn contact lenses. I'm not sure yet how I feel about the whole situation. After nearly 5 hours of wear, I have come to two possible conclusions:

1. They have given me a serious eye infection.
2. The optic nerve in my right eye is dissolving. (Could also be from watching too much Conan and Jimmy Fallon.)

I'm gonna give it one more day, and if things don't improve then it's back to regular old glasses for me.

               

I always had a hunch that the heavens smiled upon me. Now I have proof. In writing. Much to the dismay of my wife, she did not share in the blessings. Allow me to explain.

We went out for Chinese food last week to Moon China-one of three restaurants by our home that has yet to go out of business.

After a delicious spread of chicken and rice and vegetables, the obligatory fortune cookies were given with our bill. My wife opened her cookie first. Instead of a fortune, she was presented with a presumptuous statement of fact:

She was understandably peeved that her fortune was not, in fact, a fortune. The sour attitude did not stop there.

Her rice was really steamed when I opened mine:

Not only was my fortune vastly superior, the keen observer will also notice that I was blessed with two - count 'em - two smiley faces.

And maybe it's just me, but even the photograph of my fortune seems to have a heavenly glow shining down from above.

I guess we won't be going back to Moon China any time soon. Hopefully they don't go out of business.

I'm not sure if I should be offended or concerned. Everyone reading this is encouraged to help me out by leaving a comment below.

My mother-in-law, bless her red-headed soul, loves to pass along information via electronic mail. Over the years, I have been notified of freeway closures, community events, and cancer-causing food products. I have also chuckled at pictures of redneck weddings, scoffed at questionnaires that predict my "real age," and belly-laughed at videos involving family pictures and dancing elves.

Yesterday she sent me a link to a health-related story. The headline reads:

Night Sweats in Middle-Aged Man: His cheesy-smelling sweat (link)

Granted, I am not middle-aged. But I have been known to sweat. And I have also been known to fancy myself a string cheese snack. I also consumed two cheese crisps before retiring to my bed last night.

In rapid-fire retaliation, I blasted off a response to her link:

I don't know why you would have sent this to me. My night sweats smell of lavender and honeycomb. My day sweats smell of jasmine and cherry blossom.

It felt good to stand up for my pristine odor. But now I'm having second thoughts.

Maybe there's a reason nobody sits next to me in biology class.

Help.

Now I can finally stop riding my folding bike to the gym.

Writing a research paper? You gotta get this program. There's a desktop version (PC, Mac, Linux) which will sync with a web-based version, so you always have access to your research articles.

Still not convinced? Go take a tour, or take a look at some screen shots from my setup.

           

                             

No, I'm not talking about saving the environment, or saving the princess. I'm talking about skin tone. After going out to eat on Saturday night, my brother and his wife took us to the zoo Howie's Game Shack.

If you're into this sort of thing, then more power to you. If you're into actually socializing and perhaps adding some physical activity to your life, then stay away. The ominous green lighting turned us all into the incredible hulk for a few minutes.

This place had everything any gamer could ever want: comfortable chairs, a variety of vending machines*, air conditioning, the support of fellow gamers. Also, as an added bonus, it was packed, wall-to-wall with attractive ladies who were eager to start a long-term relationship with someone who just purchased a $15 all-day pass to play video games.

That's what you call a win-win-high-score situation.

*The vending machine was filled with a cornucopia of high-fat deliciousness, but featured a backdrop image of fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.